A Second Chance

Throughout my life I have said, like many of us, if only I could do this or that over again. If only I knew then what I know now.  Amazingly, I have been given a second chance at life. After a near death experience, I was grateful to be alive and I swore that I would live my life gratefully and fully. I claimed my second chance at life and never looked back.

With that decree, I have had so many opportunities show up that I previously believed were gone forever—love, romance, work that I love and now, a new body.

At 65, I have a wonderful young partner who I have been with for 5 years. Although it does not matter much to him, so he says, I wanted a new body for myself and him. I was carrying around lots of extra weight, having gained it after a nasty breakup with a man I loved deeply, who betrayed me. I was devastated and sad and angry and lonely and…and….  Enough!

I moved to Hawaii and started my life over again. But I still did not have the body I had at 53.  No this is not a transposition. Yes, I had a great body at 53. I had lost weight and was going out dancing three nights a week to build stamina and muscle and flexibility. And it was lots of fun. I was taking ballroom dancing lessons too.

But by 60, I had gained back 30 pounds and was not feeling good. I tried dieting, exercising and every other thing people told me worked for them, but I could not lose more than a few pounds which were easily regained when I dared to look at pastry. This is no way to live. I want to enjoy life. So I gave up on having a slimmer body and did my best to eat healthily and get some exercise.

Then one day after listening to some motivational CDs, I realized that I could have what I wanted, but I still did not know how. I decreed that I would find a way to get the body I wanted.  That same week, I was inspired to send an email to Kutira in response to her Kahua Institute Newsletter. She invited me to the retreat owner’s conference being held just down the road from me. Coincidence? No, of course, not. It was fate. When I saw Kutira I could not believe it. She looked great! She had lost lots of weight and looked younger than I had seen her look in years.  She looked hot! I was hooked. Whatever she had going on, I wanted.

Starting the Program, Phase 1.

When she explained the program to me, it seemed easy. I was sure I could do it. I started immediately.

Day 5: This was when I started the mind morph. As soon as my mind believed it is true that I can lose this weight easily, a couple of things happened. First, my mind began to a sabotage my body by telling me I was deprived, I was missing a glass of wine or a dessert or a piece of bread. And when I thought of those goodies, I felt hungry. So I asked myself what do I want more: the glass of wine or a slim body. The answer was easy: a slim body. Now each time I feel hungry or begin craving something, I ask myself the same question, do I want this food or do I want a slim body and the answer is always the same. That makes it sooo easy. I have a choice and I choose a slim, trim beautiful body. Yea! I worked outside with the plants and with the dogs and was feeling really happy.

Day 7: Something else I noticed today. My skin is healing very fast. On Thursday when I was working with the plants, my foot slipped between two sharp lava rocks. One of my toes was cut in two places and it hurt a lot. I poured water on it from the hose because I was far away from the house. Then when I took a shower, I forgot to put some antibiotic on it. Typically if I don’t take care of a lava cut right away, it gets very sore and it takes a week to heal. Well, my toe is already healed and I did not put any antibiotic on it.

Day 10: Today is the first day that I was hungry most of the day. I don’t know why. The only thing different I did was to drink Keri tea last night for my bowels. So I really had to work on my mind by asking the question of what I wanted, the food or a slim body. So I stayed on track–one day at a time.

I feel like my metabolism is slowing down. I don’t feel the rush when I take the drops.  It is interesting that I am so focused on losing the weight that I’m afraid that I won’t continue losing.

Day 11: I went to a Native American spiritual ceremony that lasted all night. They had food before the ceremony. Good thing I ate my dinner before going there. During the ceremony, I ate two teaspoons of peyote.  First time doing that. It tasted gross. It certainly killed my appetite. I was not hungry until early morning. Part of the ceremony was to take a piece of the food. So I took 1 teaspoon of corn mash, 1 strawberry and 1 pinch of meat.  I was really afraid that I would not lose another pound.  Fear is a great motivator.

Day 12: I LOVE ice-cream and I watched Shaun each a quart of ice-cream after dinner. I did want a taste but did not take any. I was not craving it nor did I have a problem watching Shaun enjoy it.

Day 13: After being at the same weight for a couple of days now, I am feeling the rush again when taking the drops. Good! I know when I feel the rush, my body is releasing the fat into my blood. I felt really good today and I look slimmer to myself. My clothes feel just a little bit looser.

Day 14: I have maintained the protocol exactly for the past three days. I seem to be stuck at this weight. Two things could be going on: I am having a problem with my bowels or I am psychologically stuck here. About 10 years ago, I was about this same starting weight. I started dieting and lost some weight. When I  reached 153 I was stuck. That was when I started going out dancing three nights per week and going to the gym. I started losing weight again after doing lots of exercise.  I am walking and working on the farm for exercise. I wonder if I should include dancing since it worked before? At this point I will try anything.

Day 15: Since living so isolated on the farm, Sundays are a break for me to get out and socialize at the farmers market before visiting mom.

It is so much fun for me to get out there and talk to people and see new vendors and the established ones. I usually have breakfast there, enjoying a great cup of Kona coffee with whole milk, fruit and some type of goody. But this time, it was different because of the BMM protocol.

So I would not be tempted, I ate my grapefruit at home and made an iced tea drink with organic tea, lemon juice and Stevia. I carried it around with me as I shopped. Then I treated myself to a smooth cup of Kona, black. I imagined that I could taste the cream.

It is strange that my taste buds are more sensitive now. Even broccoli tastes sweet. The chicken and meat taste flavorful even though I do not put any seasonings on it. I am enjoying tasting the subtleties of food and drink.

Day 17: Because my weight is still the same, the little voice in my head is saying, IT’S NOT WORKING! I am firm in commitment to stay on the protocol. It was working and now it has slowed down. It will still work even though my mind is in doubt.

Day 18: I know this will break soon, but when???

This is really getting ridiculous. I don’t know what is going on. I remember Kutira said that sometimes this happens.  My mind is having a sabotage party. I have been really careful with everything.  I know I will stick to this but I am not feeling excited any more like I was before. This is where faith comes in.

Day 19: This is a good exercise for the mind. Being able to have faith over time to see a goal accomplished needs determination too. Picturing the outcome of what I want is critical. I am no longer even focused on the food or meals. They are just a mechanism to keep my body fueled. The food does not have the pull on me like before, except my afternoon apple. The red wine is what I miss.

Day 20: I remember flying standby several years ago. I had to get back to Hawaii from California. The next flight would be the following day and this plane was full.  But I had to be there that day to sign papers.  I was third on the wait list. The agent told everyone to go home because the plane was full and even ticketed passengers were being bumped so we had no chance of getting on.  Everyone else left but I told the agent to keep me on the wait list. She just shook her head in disbelief. I was determined that I was going to be on that plane.  The plane was being loaded and there was a last call for all passengers to board. I was watching from the waiting lounge as they closed the doors to the plane.  I was not going to leave until I saw the plane off the ground.  As they pulled away the loading ramp there was a little commotion. Then they put the loading ramp back to plane. The flight attendant called my name. I ran over and she said, we miscounted. There is one seat left if you want it. I screamed!! So I made it. If I had given up like the others, I would still be in California.  So whenever I want something very much, I think about this experience that taught me determination and faith.

Day 21: Just wanting something is not enough. Taking action is important. So the action I took last night was the cleansing herbs. I dropped two pounds. Yea!

Day 24: I dropped another ½ pound to finish the program with a 15 pound weight loss. I was expecting to lose 20 pounds but my body is telling that this is enough for this round. I am happy.

After the Protocol, Phase 2.

The 23 days of taking HCG was an experience unto itself with mind morphing as a huge part of it. But after I was off the drops was equally amazing.

Before I decided to go on the BMM program, I had already scheduled a two-week trip to California to attend a conference, then to deliver some workshops for women entrepreneurs. So the timing seemed right even though I had not considered the challenge I would have coming off the program and not being in full control of my daily diet.

The morning I left Hawaii for California, I weighed myself. This was day three of the 500 cal regime after stopping the drops. When my friend picked me up at the airport, she said, “Wow, you look skinny.”  The next morning in San Jose I weighed myself on my friend’s scale and my weight was way off. Her scale and my scale were weighing me differently so decided not to mess with my mind and not weigh myself in California.

I continued on the 500 cal regimen for one extra day because after arriving in San Jose, my friend and I were driving from San Jose to San Diego and we would not be stopping for fast food anyway. I brought my boiled eggs, fruit and veggies and we began our road trip.

I arrived at the three day conference ready to resume normal eating. There was a promise of delicious, healthy food that we could buy as part of the package which I did. This would make it easier.  One of the speakers at the conference was JJ Virgin, a nutrition and health expert who was the nutritionist on Dr. Phil’s weight loss challenge. She had approved the menu of the lunch they served everyday. It was lots of salad, vegetables and either chicken or fish. The food was delicious but after being on 500 cals daily for 24 days, it seems oily to me. So I did not use dressing on the salad and pick off all the skin and fat from the fish and chicken. I passed up on the bread and pastas and as JJ Virgin suggested, I took three “polite” bites of dessert—typically lots of berries and flan. Still I felt like I was gaining weight. It was torture not to be able to weight myself—or maybe it was a gift.

Then after the conference was concluded, I was at a breakfast with my family and we went to an expensive brunch with champagne and every yummy food and pastry you can imagine.  I stuck to the seafood–prawns and crab legs–and strawberries, raspberries and black berries. I indulged in three strawberries covered in melted chocolate.  Then I had smoked salmon with capers–no bagel.  I was sure, even though I was careful, that I had blown it but had no way to weight myself as we were on the road from Los Angeles to San Jose right after. I felt full and satisfied leaving the restaurant, but not stuffed. That was a good sign.

Then at my friend’s house for 9 more days working and preparing for our workshops, we ate lots of salad and meat and vegetables. She cooks with lots of olive oil but I tried to minimize all the oil—still no bread, no rice, no desserts except for apples and strawberries.  Kutira is right; I have a new appreciation for apples. I still have not baked them with cinnamon, but that’s for this Sunday’s treat. I drank lemon water for those two weeks in California and ate a whole grapefruit for breakfast each day. But other than that, I ate regular meals. If I was going to gain weight, this would be the time because I did not have control of the menu.  I did have control of the portions though.

Amazingly, I have been able to stay away from dairy except for a little whole milk in my morning tea or coffee. I drank some tea but since tea is a diuretic, I did not want to dehydrate, so I drank lots of water with lemon juice and stevia and ice.

I did manage to have a glass or two of Merlot several times per week, then flush the next day with lots of lemon water. I wonder if that really works or if it is a fantasy. I know when I get home and weigh myself.

I think this was a good exercise to be without weighing myself for two weeks. I learned to rely on how my body FELT. I know the first three days at the conference, I over ate at lunch, so to compensate, I had a very light dinner or just an apple.  I was afraid of gaining back my weight. I know I gained a couple of pounds, so then I would eat light and go for a hike.  I made sure I drank lots of water before eating so I would be full sooner. I only felt hungry a few times so went for an apple. I did not try to deny myself of food, but I kept listening to my body and if I felt that I was gaining, I would back off. Then, I took some herbs because my bowels were not regular, then I left I lost a few pounds. For the past week, my body is telling me it is stabilizing on this weight.  STILL I DID NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I NOW WEIGHED and where my body was stabilizing. I just knew I felt good.

I got back home last night and had a good dinner with some wine. I was afraid to get on the scale the following morning, but I did.  I WAS SHOCKED. My weight is at the exact same weight as when I left for California. And if I am seeing correctly, the needle on the scale is just left of the mark which could mean that I am actually ½ pound less than when I left. Today is an apple day because I know I over did it last night. So tomorrow is another day to maintain. I AM SO EXCITED AND MOTIVATED THAT I have maintained my weight during those two weeks of travel which could have been disastrous.  Yea!

One month after being off the drops:

And here is my current update: today, July 9, I am at 148. I drink wine and eat small pieces of dark chocolate. I have been as low as 147 and I have NOT been over 150.

Last Monday:  I am maintaining my weight easily. This morning I was down to 148 and since I ate chocolate today, I’ll be at 150 tomorrow.

Then I won’t each chocolate tomorrow, so I will be back down to 148-149 on Thursday. That’s how it has been since I came back. I eat what I want mostly. I have not eaten bread or rice or much dairy and use stevia instead of sugar. So just doing that, I am maintaining my weight easily!!!! YEA!

I will be ready for phase two very soon. My body is saying that I am fairly stable now. I feel great and I know when I go up two pounds and when I go down two pounds. I can feel it. I don’t even have to weigh myself on the scale but I still do to make sure.

This is a huge lesson for me: my body talks to me and I listen. In the past, I have shut down my body so much that I could no longer hear the messages about what is good for me or what I need to take care of.  But now, I listen and my body responds. The mind morphing is certainly an important aspect and can help morph the body—as in, mind over matter. However, the huge Ah-ha, is that my body knows what’s best and what it needs and what it does not need, so my mind needs to listen and cooperate. It is a partnership of the body, mind and spirit, a collaboration to have me be in the best shape of my life.

I am convinced that I can have the body I desire. So I am planning a second round of this protocol until I have the body I want, my second chance!

(Maya is doing her second round and we will put up some new pictures of her goal weight….very soon.)

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